IT'S PERSONAL, ALWAYS.

I find religion such a personal thing.  Most of the time my study is with God.  Not man.  And my determination to be obedient is my own struggle.  God is faithful.  He never makes you feel small.  He is gracious.  Forgiving. 

Ive given up meeting with other Christians and studying the Word.  I have everything to learn.  Asking the Holy Spirit to teach me is very important.  I have no desire to dance around scripture with people who don't want to read it, investigate, with open minds discuss and discern.

This isnt going to sound great... but I dont have time to be arguing about God's Word.  I am not ashamed to say that i find people who want to nit pick concerning scripture to be grossly insulting and disrespectful to God.  Can't we quietly and prayerfully read and contemplate.  Do we have to blah blah blah?

The knowledge about God is too important to me.  I might get it wrong all the time.  I might go to my grave believing things in error.  That's not the point for me.  I have some time I love to spend with God and His Word.  I get nothing from discussing the Word with other people.  And so once and for all Im giving that up.

I open up and am vulnerable because talking about God and His ways is extremely person for me.

Not only have I had some rough spots in my life, I have hurt people along the way, loving God and your neighbour as yourself is very very personal.  It is burning inside you.  Sometimes its regret and shame that burns.  Sometimes it is joy.

When I get together with people who love Jesus to talk about the Word.... Im all in.  Disgussing Jesus.  I have to remember not to talk about how my walk is going.  My conversion.  My dying to self.  I have much to work through.  To heal from.  To ask forgiveness for.  To forgive myself over.  Keep it quiet.  Keep it bottled up.  Wrapped up tight.  

So I find myself talking about things that are deeply personal to me.  Salvation.  Jesus' love.  Things that have changed my life and kept me living.  And I cant just click my fingers and from all this vulnerability be closed up, a cool, collected aquaintence with nothing passionate to thing about, talk about.

It is always an irritating experience.  I irritate the others.  It makes me drive away at the end feeling ashamed and embarrassed.  People argue concerning language and interpretation and broader meaning especially concerning current day dilemmas.  For once I would love to be able to discuss something with all parties open minded.  Open to another's interpretation.  Open to maybe being able to grow or even change perspectives.

How do we do that?  Remain private, discreet, surface level, aquiantenances.  All while we talk about prople being broken.  How God loves us.  How we should love each other.  How living in this world can hurt.  A lot.  

We speak about particular groups that we want to be sensitive to and pray for.  We talk about addiction.  Homelessness.  Loneliness.  But dont be thinking that it is the right time to feel deeply, be open, speak of social injustice, religious injustice.  This isnt the time to be outraged and vocal if there is signals of prejudice in the room.  Did you expect love to be there?

Drink your coffee.  Speak surface.  Pray surface.  No depth.  We dont need to go deep.  And dont reveal your pain.  Your interpretation.  Your shame.  Your hurt.  

Of course the problem is that a lot of people want to talk about shocking and sensitive subjects.  But that isnt the same as caring.  That isnt the same as loving.  Just because we discuss people being broken and lost doesnt mean we need to get into the messy details.  

And that is fine.

But Im full to over flowing.  And if you take the lid off Im not sure what is going to come out.  I cant have some tears for loneliness and not remember the loneliness I feel every day.  

A person in my world today joked I need therapy.

I dont think so.  I need some adult friends who can love me as much as they love themselves.  Like I love them more than I love myself.  I dont need any more aquaintences.

I wish I had done a whole lot more with my life.

 I just get time and dates and work lined up and the family needs changes and I am back to the calendar to see if I can possibly fit myself in to my week.  This happens over and over.  Seriously.  This solo dance has been going on for years.

If I could start over I would not have children.  It turns out they require the kind of work I dont enjoy.  At all.  I think mostly its the complaining and disrespect and the blame games.  Yes the work is ok but the customer base is toxic.

I tried my mother's tactics but they failed.  It is a different time and children have a sense of entitlement that might be right but definitely was not in existence when I was growing up.  So I have no point of reference. 

The horrendous thing about it is that I am told that I created all of that myself.

Excellent.

I have deep sorrow. Sounds over dramatic.  But I do have deep deep sorrow at the waste of my life.  But it is not over yet.  I am taking control.  I can have a productive life from now on.  But today I need a strong coffee and some tears.  

My shadow points at me and tells me that my parents were right.  That I am nothing and will amount to nothing.  

I am leaving social media

I had documented my proud achievement of leasing a shop.  

A dream come true.  

I had uploaded my photos from the first coat of paint on the walls, covering up the super mario green, through many indoor markets and dressmaking projects and Repair Cafe work.  Two years work.  

It was taken away in a moment, by AI who said I was a fake account.

  My beautiful IG account gone.

Jump to April 2025

I had just listened to a podcast about growing your following on IG.  They said to have free things available.  Like a downloadable something.  I was thinking; once a month I could offer a printable.  I had a list of ideas.  I was going to do extra work and give part of my work away for free to get a few more followers.  OMG.  I know.  Sitting here now I can hardly believe I got so frustrated by social media that I forgot myself.

My friend called me and told me about an article she was writing about the freedom in leaving social media.  

(That alien that wants us to forget that it has zero humanity as it assumes the authority to constantly feed us a calculated menu.  Adding insult to injury, real humans assign authority to this brain dead, never sleeping, ever energised, unreal, surreal force.)

It was the discussion I really needed.

I did not want to spend precious moments making reels and setting up for perfect photographs. I hardly had time for the work. 

I did want to be in a gallery, go to a makers' market.  I did not want to give up my privacy for the times I needed to play, practice, fail, perfect my skills.  I did not want to give social media hours of my week.

I wanted to design all the things, sew all the things, paint all the things.

We touched on achieving excellence in our chosen art form.  Our need for a local community.  Selling locally.  Postage.  Fast fashion.  Fast anything.  Charity work.  Feeding people without a heart to be their friend.  Clothing people without a heart to ask what they prefer.  (I think we always have the best discussions.)

We asked : why did we seek to step into the personal space of strangers without the hand of friendship?  Under the banner of helping?  Under the banner of number of "followers"?

We are both very sensitive human beings.  We feel times of isolation, loneliness, confusion about the world.  Like you, I imagine, feel deeply sad for our fellow humans hurting every day.  It is all connected.

What was working hours to grab the fleeting attention of a few followers, without that spark of possibility, the possibility of friendship, going to add to the lives of anyone?  How was it going to improve the world?  How was it going to improve our quality of work and the success of our business?

And it was challenging enough to find the time and the flow state to get our work done.  

Social media was not building anything of high value.  Nothing built on relationship.  It had to go.

Our new plan: work to achieve excellence in things we design and create.  Meet more people locally.  Be in the mix.  Be a friend.  Be human.  

Free from the brain pain over feeding the 24 hour cycle of social media.

Free.

The traveller that is inside you (having courage in your art)

It takes courage to be an artist.

We are MADE to develop our ideas into reality.  It takes work.  Plenty can challenge us.  There is a lot to learn.  

Courage to be further back in the line.

I see other artists over the fields, and across the sea, working at their art in a place I wish I was.  I can't quite see it.  But I'm guessing it is wonderful.  Will I ever get there?

I am sure there is at least one person who thinks I am over the fields, across the sea, far ahead, practicing art in my perfect place.

When we feel at the back of the line, we might remember we are the leader in our own adventures.

I imagine myself, hat and coat and sensible shoes, suitcase full of essential paints and fabrics, rushing to get the train.  The feeling is anticipation and excitement.  I have a few special little things to keep me entertained and sustained on the journey.  

I am not insecure about the other passengers. Where they got on.  Where they are going.  

I am grateful for a train ticket and a seat.  I am settled in my seat.  I meet a nice person.  I look at the passing scenery.  The passing towns and then the countryside.  It inspires me with all kinds of ideas for sketches and paintings.  Such fun.  To have the time to take it all in.  And dream up dreams.

Each time we make a mark, make a stitch, we have succeeded.

Once I am on the train, I don't worry about reaching my station.  I settle in my seat and listen to the train on the tracks. I am not fully aware of exactly how many miles I have travelled.  It doesn't matter.  I boarded the train and I am moving forward.  I believe I will reach my destination.

Just do it

Each decision we make takes courage.  We just forget our strengths.  Courage, faith, trust, taking a chance.

We mostly don't think of courage when we board the train.  We just do it.

It occurs to me that we need the travel over the fields and across the sea, so we can be the person that is needed, to make our best art yet.

Sandi Hester is an inspiration to me.  A fun and friendly person.  A talented artist.  You might enjoy her youtube channel.  Featuring sketchbook tours, lots of process breakdown and advice. Sandi advised to "just do it".  It works!

Wednesday. The Unexpected Gypsy.

 

I was watching Wendy, The Unexpected Gypsy, talking about writing in her journals.  

It is something that I have tried to do for such a long time.  I always can write something.  A thought.  What is happening at the time.  The thing is... I dont seem to be excited about writing regularly.  I dont find my sketchbook too much fun.

I realised, that people actually use journals or sketchbooks for different things.  It appears on Instagram or Youtube that perhaps people perfectly write, stick in photographs, do art, everything... in a perfectly set out fashion.  But that isnt the majority of people I dont think.  And Im excited that I can decide on what my sketchbooks and diaries contain.  

And it all DOESNT have to go into one glorious magazine like book.  Freeing!!

So onto today : Ive been searching my photographs for a particular window plus rose bush.  I scrolled past it the day before yesterday.  When I didnt need it LOL.  Decided I wanted to refer to it for a painting.  And now its gone.  So Ive decided to put that project on the backburner because true to life... as soon as I dont want it badly... Im sure it will appear.

I have this wonderful background I made.  Plus a gorgeous photograph of a door in a garden from a photographer in the UK.  Ive bought the rights to use it in my painting.  Such a lovely man.  And wonderful to instantly be photo/arty friends.  So the photograph of the window plus rose will make the 3rd in the painting set.  Im very excited.  Im taking my time drawing up the three pieces.  I really have high hopes for these paintings.

I sorted out... well repacked really.... collage material, paper making materials, art journalling stuff that was bothering me.  It was all so tidy really.  Im relieved because it was a big push on my part to drag out the boxes and have a look.  But I really did a great job back a few weeks ago.  Im really excited that I dont have to spend ages sorting out good from rubbish / creased etc.  Oh Im so grateful to my former self that had the energy and pushed through and got such a lot of organising DONE.  Thank you you!

Prayers and a few tears for my friend L today.  Something happened with her little pet.  Our pets are such close friends.  And so I want to note here.  I knew the little person.  A delight.  And Im very sad for my friend.  I hope things are sunny again for her soon.

Off to research putting a watermark onto my artwork so I can advertise and show online with someone taking it.  Oh I dont mind that much except it takes me a long time to paint or draw.  And I do want a chance to see what I can achieve before it gets another owner LOL.

Day 25 April 8th 2020

Yesterday and today the air is really warm.  The fullish moon last night was amazing.

I meant to write this here and posted on facebook instead. 

You really can't label all of this based on media and memes and feel an inner peace. Right?

I figure it's best for me to give this time some positive labels... just for my brain.

*quiet pause, short of death, wont last forever, but here it is
*permission to deep clean my laundry... there is an industrial machine in there somewhere LOL
*a delivery of free time to sort out my craft UFOs and do more than that .... finish them! I don't want to have ANY
*another package of time to allow me to gift or sell my overflow of crafting books that absolutely are too good to go to the tip but no way I want all of these things
*moments of dread... if this virus takes me my poor children have to clean out all my craft supplies that need to go to many many people... too much for me....
*note to self you NEED nothing
*time to reflect on who I choose to be at lots of cross roads
*clarity around ideas I have been trying to get a grip on...
*mental space to get my business ideas that have been rattling around in my head for 10 years... finally down onto paper
*the freedom to jump from gardening to crochet to cooking to planning the house extension
*time to get my life into order it has been out of control 'cause Im a one man band ... for way too long
*contemplation
*mindfulness
*prayer
*demons pop into my brain ocassionally but I've got their number
*had time to panic about the meaning of life yesterday.... yes folks mental health is gonna be the big one. You gotta dismiss the dark side and keep connected to the light.
*CONCLUSION as long as I have gum leaves and soil and yarn... Im OK

Are you OK?

Day 16 : March 30, 2020

Cool, cloudy, bright blue sky.

The chickens next door are happily clucking. 

I think the whole family is feeling a lot more settled.  A lot happier this week. 

My "go to" seems to be cleaning.  Mind you with a dusty backyard and two dogs... there is always plenty of cleaning to do.  And it isn't usually on my high priority list.  But a break in any possibility of work right now... well we might as well get some stuff sorted.  The floors are a bit like a barn yard.

List for today:

kitchen
guinea pig (her cage needs a refresh)
packing the last of the fowler vacola jars away in the shed
clear space so gas man can get in with his delivery
preping some seed raising pots
dye some merino with mulberry

..... breaking up is hard to do.....

I'm feeling like I've broken up with a boyfriend or something.  Leaving that place and those people was overdue and SO important to my medium to long term sanity.... but short term.... well I put a lot of myself into that place and it hurts to not have it in my heart and mind like it was just a week ago.

It has become SO clear now.  Wow to think it took me a year to figure out and 18 months to get out.

I honestly believe the group was doomed right from the start.  It took two strong people to keep things going for way too long.... mostly on their own. 

And with little documentation, manuals, welcome packs, forms, "how to"s..... well the members who signed up quickly faded away.  Fish that got away.  No projects, no direction, no clear instructions on how to get involved and "own" some cool activities or even workshops.

And so who knows the exact future but they have to close.

They are not viable once they sign the lease and they have to sign the lease.

And that is that.

And Im so very sad.

Your home is your castle...

and wouldn't it be terrific sometimes to not only have high walls but also the moat and draw bridge?

Remember Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City?  Her character sitting somewhere perfect, looking perfect, tapping out perfect little life observations and a clever quip at the end?

Well forget it instantly that isnt me. 

I'm more like everything needs work and I've been terribly embarrassed so here I am getting it out so I can settle down and feel better. NOTHING in my life is perfect.

So a lovely person just landed and thank God they quickly went on their way.  They observed the many projects I have waiting for me in my front garden.  Well it would be a garden if  I had any time to give to it.  I have dogs.... and my projects have to wait in my front garden until I can find somewhere to hide them around the back. 

So I'm going out the front to tackle my front yard right?  Nope.  I've been up since dark with my boy.  I'm suffering the second part of a flu.  Today I'd finishing a sewing job and making junk journals.

I'm planning on attending an event on Monday to promote reuse of resources that might otherwise go into landfill.  So I'm using the time my son is asleep to finish a little sewing, begin my junk journals (photo later) AND sew some orphan block chickens!!!

Who really knows the cost of buying a home?

Our brains are amazing creatures.  I'm surprised often at how much I think I know and then how much I don't know... while I'm busy thinking I'm "in the know".

Take the experience of buying a house.  I thought you bought a house and picked up the keys.  Turns out you have to pay quite a few people, including your new city council and state government, quite a packet of money... besides the big bag of money for the property.  Better be putting aside a few thousand for the hangers on.

My dad used to say "nothing like a few human beings to stuff up a good idea".

Our house

Moving is going to be a little more complicated than usual.  Although not as insane as moving a new born and two kids from QLD to Vic.

It is over 3,000 from Melbourne to the wheat belt of W.A.  Lucky for us it has great coastal scenery.  A week of travelling should do it.  I hope the dog survives.

Even in country W.A. the house prices are climbing and I really didn't know of all the hidden costs that are involved in buying a house.  It isn't just a matter of having your bank loan and 20%.  There are solicitor fees and building inspection fees and then there are rates until June next year!  And we haven't even paid for the house yet.

We will be lucky to get there and have enough money to furnish the house.

We do feel very very lucky to be able to buy a home.  And we are all committed to making the house and the garden warm and beautiful and a real home to all of us.  Something we have needed for ever.

One special part of our house will be the internal fence and gate that will set off Samuel's room.  More photos when we land but here is the inspiration.

Collecting sea water for eco dyeing on a very cold day

I discovered last year that sea water encourages naturally bright yellows from our local wattle flowers.  I have many yellow flowers here this year and so off we went to collect some sea water for some more flower colour eco dyeing experimenting.

Getting ready to go

She might be 16 years old but she has a lot of new stuff.  The important stuff like battery and tyres.  Her interior and brakes are in great condition and she only has 167,000 km on the clock.  And she is my fav colour : blue.