27 October 2008

how will I be remembered?

it's quite sobering ... dad going to yet another funeral. Im glad Im not him.... friends and others dropping like flies.

Makes me wonder.... what kind of memory or mark will I leave behind?

Rather than ponder the unknown... perhaps it is better to reflect on what I feel are treasures I have gathered thus far on my walk through my very short life (in terms of the planet). And let's keep it to the living..... loved ones lost are too difficult today.

There are no limits to my feelings for the love of my life. For going on 20 years I have praised heaven and earth for the moments of intense closeness Ive had with him. I can only say that if you have found your soul mate ... then you know. If you havent... there are no words or images spectacular enough to explain it.

My children show potential in the areas of kindness, wit, consideration of others, street smarts, logical thought. And they are healthy.... good god how do parents cope with life threatening childhood disease?

I guess when it comes down to it .... you can only leave your legacy behind within your children. Lucky for me then.... because if you are gonna measure my life success to this point... then my bank balance or resume is going to disappoint.

The big thing for me in my 40s is knowing who I am a little better, knowing parts of me Im accepting of .... and working around that place of stability.... making it a more common practice to listen and learn and consider other people. I really want to leave my critical eye on the back seat and notice people's perspective and needs.

Finally ... I want to pull my finger out (get these kids into government run childcare - yep kinder and school) and study and work.

Three kids and a man who never quite loved me enough to take my hand and jump..... well its good so far but its not enough forever.

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