Heartache

Drugs are bad.  The 9 people about to be executed in Indonesia are convicted of being involved in the drug trade.  There are other countries, one a big ally, who have the death penalty for certain crimes.  But their death row murders dont attract this kind of attention.

For me Indonesia is making a big mistake.  I dont believe that they should execute the two Australians.  Why?

For what? 10 years, these two men have recreated themselves.  And they havent selfishly taken care of their own peace of mind, their own comforts but rather they have put their hands to good works.  They have comforted and mentored.  And by all accounts the prison has encouraged their working with fellow prisoners.  And within this work I believe the men found hope of grace.

And this is why I dont think they should die.  Because I believe the system knew what it was doing. It knew that these men were hopeful that they would live.  Each and every step in getting these men to the execution day has been cruel.  Slow, hope and dashed hope, timing kept a mystery.

And for what?

For what?

These men are not part of my family.  But I feel sick on their behalf.  I have a heavy heart since I read the news that their final time had been announced.  Im not interested in much.  How can you laugh at a joke, watch tv, plan a quilt.... when all you can think about is ... how are they?  is God close to them?  are they gone yet?

I wonder about the agenda of the country.  I dont have a good feeling about the future in this region.  I dont understand what message is being sent.  But I do believe grace has been taken away because there is a message being sent.

I pray for their families and for them.  The cruel countdown to this is inhumane.  It is grossly unsettling.  It should disturb everyone.

Which life?

This week a lovely lady in another country was frustrated by local government over a public showing of a documentary piece on DIY repairs.  It brought home to me our generous freedoms that we enjoy in Australia.  But also, as I went through my day, culminating with a knock at the door, "police", I started wondering what exactly we do with our freedom.

Yes the kids had a 20 second shouting match over a piece of Kit Kat.  Yes I know.  Unbelievable isnt it?  And the new neighours, well Im just guessing, exercised their rights to call the boys in blue.  

Why are young people still at home at 18 and 20?  Why are they not motivated from a younger age to at least get a part time job?  No.  Im not wearing this one.  Ive always lived a strong work ethic.  And they have always had to do without because it is an expensive world out there.  So this one is down to them.  And Im looking at the society we live in with its message of freedom.

No matter what you think of me the facts are there.  Young people are not motivated generally to go get a job and get out of home.  Frankly I think it is me who is going to have to get a full time job and leave : again!  LOL

What about the neighbours?  It is just sad that they say hello when they first move in and want to know everything about your living situation.  But that is the end.  They dont continue to get to know you.  If they did perhaps they would come on over and say hello instead of dialling 000.  It was just a bit of shouting for less than half a minute.  Samuel alone could wake the dead.  They dont get to know you.  They dont care that while they are burning their tree prunnings in their fire they are filling up your house with acrid smoke that gives you a headache every afternoon.  They have freedoms.  Especially because they own their home and I rent.  They have freedoms.

Each day I come across people who dont want their freedoms.  Dont want to speak out, dont want to vote, dont want to vote with plenty of knowledge of the candidate, dont want to buy well, dont want to send a message to Kmart or Coles, dont want to protest.  

This weekend marked the 100 yr since the ANZACs went to fight for their country.  In the first 100 years of Australia's history there were plenty of people marching, getting informed, speaking up and voting for major changes.

This week Charlotte found some stories of Cubans getting really DIY and inventive because the country was left without engineers, just for one thing, after USA left the country.  When you look into it Cuba was left hungry and without experts, new imports of equipment and basic needs.  So they got together and got creative.  They made things and they grew their food.

Is it going to take a really bad situation to make us really live our freedoms?  Is a young person going to hit rock bottom with depression or perhaps enjoy a ride in a police car before the young people in this house are motivated to really appreciate their lives?  I dont know what it will take to move adults in this area to be neighbourly.  And what about the community in general?  Australia for that matter.  What is it going to take for us to find some spirit like the early Aussies and speak out?  There are so many things that we should be fighting for.

High on my agenda is changing the status quo of the woman of the house having to do all the food shopping and cooking.  Seriously? 2015 and we still are in charge of the chores?

Community Sewing Launch - WE DID IT!

Yesterday was the NP Community Sewing Launch.

This group originally formed by two motivated young mums found its way to New Peninsula Baptist Community Centre.  This new venue encouraged NP ladies, Marg, Heather, Marion, Joy and others, to reach out and promote it.  It ran for a couple of years.  A happy cuppa and sewing together once a fortnight.

I started going about a year ago..... I was in awe of the sewing machine mechanic, Gordon, who spent more than the allocated time to thrill us with his sewing machine knowledge and tips.  Following his visit, thinking of the old sewing machines I had inherited, been given, I approached Marg about getting these machines serviced and selling them on at cost to new sewing people.

Hence the need for a NP Community Sewing Launch.

Just opening up a Facebook and Pinterest page did wonders for our contacts and our excitement.  One planning week in and we got some hula hoop mats going.  Still planning... and a new friend Kerryann joined out group.  We made the little felt turtle pin cushion you see above.

And so we came to the launch day.  Red balloons, signs, quilts hanging, bags everywhere, pin cushions, kids clothes, bunting... and a great arrangement of iron board, sewing tables, sewing machines.... and most importantly.... afternoon tea.

Four new ladies, four now regular ladies.... plus three helpers and at least two ladies taking care of the kids.  Big thanks to them!

Now this might not seem much.  But we had a wild ride!  It was terrific.  The hall was fall.  We had just enough tables and power points.  Everyone had a great time.  We offered denim and machines... a bag pattern.... pins, scissors, thread.... away you go!!!

I hope to see everyone in two weeks.  Everyone had smiles on their faces and said they would return.

I felt very happy to pass on a few tips..  And I have a list of tools we need for next time.

***I cant take all my sewing pieces everytime.... but it felt so good to be surrounded by quilts hanging on our dressing screen frames, we were surrounded by ready made items, colours and fabrics... there was a real warmth to the space.  I will be carefully selected a few things to take. The "can do" feeling was fantastic. And Ive drawn a diagram.... so I put the ironing board and the cutting table in the same place all the time.... what works... we want to keep.  And I get the vibe that not everyone wants a lot of technical information.... not all at once anyhow.  So Im going to offer a side class for things like zips, jean hems, button holes, skirts and shorts..... I really think some of the group will go for the little projects that are able to be done by themselves... and another group will be interested in using different sewing machine feet and learning other skills.  Im sure the two groups will mesh nicely and it will keep things fresh.

Im exhausted.  Im still nervous.  I feel we might need a meeting and I might need to delegate some things.  I suppose that is how it goes..... you get in volunteering and you see what is needed and you have to limit yourself 'cause the list goes on.  One step at a time.... that is what Im concentrating on.

Next time we are making birds.... birds for mobiles (does anyone think about the fact that the baby actually sees the bottom of the pretty birds LOL).... birds for Christmas and birds for pincushions.

At the end of it... for me... Im still looking who can sew like me.... who I can sew with.  Whoever that is... I hope they see our signs and I hope they come along.

And I would love to have this whole thing SO organised that I get to sew too.

In the meantime... the smiles on the faces and the ladies were talking to me, to each other, and the thoughts of new projects in the ladies' minds and the enthusiasm for having found a great sewing group... well who could ask for more?

Being the last to know....

that you are not parenting the autistic child correctly.  It is hard to take.  Sad.  Pathetic.  Defeating.

Even when you understand that you have no understanding of the autistic brain process it is very difficult to be patient with it.

Like tonight.  We have very dangerous steel reinforcing as our back fence.  It came with the rental property.  Samuel decided that he HAD to climb over to get a dart that had flown over it.  NO amount of telling, explaining, pleading with him would change his mind.  A drink was thrown at the back door.  A drink another adult of the house had left outside.  An adult who is old enough to know better but who chooses to leave things everywhere.  Maybe it is best that it was a drink in a takeaway container that hit the back sliding door.  The letter box is half broken.

Then came the best bit.  My older son told me his friend has autistic as a younger brother.  When the younger brother has a tantrum the mother just says three words and everything is sorted.  He was pointing out my incompetence.  Then went to the back of the house and smacked Samuel on the arms half a dozen times or more.  Left scratches and welts.  And I say to him... one day I have to call the police.  Because you are a man and you shouldnt hit anyone.  And he slams his door in my face.  And Im torn physically painfully torn deep inside because I understand his frustration but Ive chosen him over Samuel time and time again.  And why do I do that?  Why am I too frightened to defend one against the other?  Why does he make me choose?

We see the psychologist next week.  Im told I will be taught effective parenting.  I want to scream from the highest mountain I am not a weak and lazy mother.  I have two naughty older children who decided to turn on me and try to bully me once teenage years set in.  And now Ive an autistic child.  He is hard to parent and hard to understand.  I have not been slack in teaching him routines.  He doesnt follow routines.  Food, toilet, talking, sleeping..... and when he doesnt follow these routines Im comforted by the fact that I constantly have up to 3 adults here with me telling me how this is all my fault and that Im incompetent.

When my older children get jobs and move away I will be taking Samuel away and we will get on with our lives without them.  And the man in my life.... well he has sold me a car, helped me get my drivers licence and I have an overlocker that I love.  His diamond ring he can have back.  I dont need anything else from him.

He is going on nearly a months holiday next Sunday.  He tells me tonights the night.  I said wait until you come home.  He says that is too long to wait.  Well he has money and there are plenty of opportunities along the highway I suppose.

A warm Autumn day...

NOT my photo if Rye in a storm.  But it's about right.  After dropping Peter off at work today we had a good rain with plenty of thunder and lightening,  I should have gone to the beach and taken some pictures but the day was daunting and I stayed home.  Maybe tomorrow.

Im cutting out denim bags. Two kinds of bunting are waiting for the machine.  So much sewing to do.  Samuel and the beach house have been priorities today.

 Playing lego with Samuel who is killing me with his over the top frustration.

Thomas is NOT doing his school work but is playing computer games and having a merry time with a friend over skype.

The bees are buzzing, it's been a really warm day.  Im pretending to love lego but Im really looking out the window at my lovely little olive trees.  Trying NOT to notice that the lawn needs mowing.  And I doubt whether the man of the house will get it done before he leaves for holidays.

Trying to get Samuel to stop talking!  Difficult.  Next cook dinner, do dishes, hang out washing.

Tonight its finishing the bunting and... fingers crossed it doesnt take two hours for Samuel to get to sleep.  That is the minimum at the moment.

Side note:  Just still stunned that getting help for Samuel will cost so much.  And the sensory blankets Ive been investigating.... why on earth are people filling them with plastic pallets?  Let's just totally destroy the environment.... the sick earth that has too many chemicals and plastics and processed foods... that is increasing the incidence of disorders in the first place.

The "adult" thing to do.

After a round of phone calls yesterday I feel all therapy sessions and assessments are really a waste of time!  At the end of the day Samuel wasnt red flagged as being on the Autistic spectrum in prep by the school psychologist and now he is too old to get some financial help.  Our school doesnt participate in the ABA therapy and Boneo primary is full.  It costs $6000 a term.  The lady said many parents downsize, move, take out their superannuation.  I cant believe what Im hearing.

So if we look at it logically the $1000 Im spending on therapists to diagnose Samuel will get me a piece of paper that will allow the school to apply for funding to get an aide for some hours for Samuel.  Will this aide be trained to work with the sensory and anxiety issues that Samuel has?  Knowing the education department as I do... I doubt it.  So why spend the money?

Well the world at large demands that we have a diagnosis on paper.

As Samuel goes into the teen years (heaven help me) I think we are going to need some help to get him into routines around hygiene and help him with friends and school.  But is a 1/2 hour visit once a fortnight or once a month going to help?  Especially if 6 hours a week at a cost of $6000 a term is what other kids have?

So we will get the all the testing done..  But in the short term Im not going to take him to a psychologist.  Im going to find out everything I can and help him myself.  Im going to need to pay later.  But Im not going to make someone else rich at the moment.

This might sound like a really unwise move.  But honestly... if you watched these professionals test Samuel.... they make demands of him and the tests are so long.  Ok one point of view is that weaknesses will show up.  But he crumples in about five minutes!  And then after that I dont feel they are seeing really what he knows and what he can do.  Because they are so rushed and he is on his own train ride of stress and refusal.  Really?  In all that mix of high anxiety and NOT performing.... they can charge me a couple of hundred for a report?  They dont even spend enough time with him to know him.  And everyone says these kids are all so different.  Its chaos in the room.  What can they know about him?

If you search and search and get past all the "parent therapy" session blogs.... there is some scientific research and methods to help available.  It takes time to find it.  But it is there.

I dont know what shifted for Samuel last night.  It is this NOT understanding how he feels and thinks that is the mystery that I feel will never be solved for me.  Anyway he did heaps of homework.  I wonder why?  Honestly... what changed for him?

We are bathed by 7.30pm, in bed by 8.00pm and asleep by 10pm.  Its a long night.  Maybe I need some "Im in bed" things for him to do.  I dont want him to just "get up".  But if he honestly takes time to relax and get to sleep.... maybe there are some particular quiet things that he can do so he doesnt climb all over me for two hours!

Is there anything else that life has in store for me?  Any more great sins that I need to do penance for?  Load me up.

Going to bed.

It's nearly two hours to the minute since Samuel first got into bed.

In these two hours there has been fun and games, eating and drinking, throwing up, sucking on Tums.  My stomach hurts from the frustration of telling someone to get into bed, who I know isnt listening.

And I ponder that while Im taking my mind away from the situation.  The "isnt listening" part.  Because if he isnt listening... then why am I speaking?  Instead of asking him to get into the car in the mornings, perhaps I should just get everything into the car and then turn it over.  Do up my seat belt and hope he makes the connection.  Even though that sounds absolutely crazy... honestly speaking is sensory overload for me!!  Because Im the only one listening and responding... with so much stomach acid Im sure to get a stomach ulcer.  Or perhaps my head will finally explode like the muppet chef.

And yet... if I practise not speaking... then will he be learning to hear less and less?

Tomorrow it is the first day back at school and Im already in a panic because he says he is no good at school and he doesnt like school and he isnt going.

I really dont know.

This week... packing a lot in!!!

School holidays are going along very quickly with not too much drama.  But to be honest I think Samuel will be glad to see Monday come along.  It was too cold at the skate park yesterday to really have much fun... and he had a big spill and hurt his hip and elbow.  Im sure it always hurts more when you are really really skinny AND its cold AND you are hitting cold concrete.

Sewing group items are coming along.  And it's working out ok timewise with my other sewing.  It seems the more time I organise and cut out for the up coming launch, the more cutting out I get done for my own business.

Time is what Im short of.  Well money too.  But that is a constant isnt it?  Particularly because Ive put everything into getting into my sewing business.  We are ok.  Just cruising.  Thomas has his $300 computer upgrade and plenty of clothes.  I need to spend some more time with him.... but when Samuel is back at school it will be easier.  The bills are paid.  The laptop was a luxury but the older ones are using it for school A LOT so that's great.  Any attention to learning is a bonus.

Im making bunting, aprons, doll quilts, a cushion.... what else?  for the launch.  Ive written to the local paper.  I will walk around the streets soon and get posters up in the shops.  I hope heaps of people come.

Im nearly there.... getting used to going to bed around 9.30pm and up at 4 am with Peter.  I get really tired by the end of the day but Im pushing through and getting heaps done.  The house looks a lot better and Im getting home made things cooked to save money and keep us healthy I hope.

Peter goes off to QLD for a holiday in just over a week.  He will be gone 3 weeks.

Charlotte took some lovely photos the other day.  She helped me at the beach house.